The Bathroom Stall

It was a Monday afternoon on September 11, 2017, and I was staring at the back door of a bathroom stall – I had just finished vomiting. There was a bible verse taped to the back of the door, John 15:5. As I read through it, I stopped and scoffed at the last line, “…apart from me you can do nothing.” I began naming my accomplishments ending with an arrogant declaration, “see…I have done plenty of things apart from you.” However, despite my prideful errancy, it was in this bathroom stall that I met Jesus Christ.

 Allow me to save you from having to read much of the backstory. Why had I vomited? Opiate withdrawal. Which bathroom stall was I in? A farmhouse located in Vinton County, OH. Why was I there? I spent the previous 8 years abusing opiates, particularly heroin, and I was afraid to die hating my life and hating myself. Was I hopeful of change? No. Did I think this farmhouse and all the Jesus-talk seemed “cult-ish”? Yes.

September 11, 2017, was day 1 at the Refuge and this farmhouse was known as Phase 1. The irony here or what I would now define as the providentialism of God is that I didn’t choose the Refuge. I didn’t even know the Refuge existed. So, you can imagine my bewilderment when my ride pulled into a church parking lot and not a rehab center which was my perceived destination. After sitting through orientation and learning about the Refuge, I knew two things: no way I was doing 13-months and God/discipleship is the last thing I want to be doing. Nevertheless, I had no “plan B”, so I did my best to fib my enthusiasm for God during my interview and was accepted.

Now, let’s return to the bathroom stall. Over the next 72 hours as the opiate withdrawal waged war against my body, I found myself in the same stall repeating the same steps: vomiting, then staring at John 15:5 (I should note there was more than one stall). As the week progressed and my vomiting regressed, every time I needed to use the restroom there was only one stall opened. Can you guess which one?

Surprisingly, I began finding myself locked inside that bathroom stall with no physiological need to use the toilet, but I would sit there reading that verse over-and-over; “…apart from me you can do nothing.” “…apart from me you can do nothing.” I became entranced, almost haunted by it you could say – I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Slowly, it began to make sense. Not theological sense, but sense in a practical way. I didn’t birth myself. My talents and abilities were not fabricated and applied by myself to myself. So, I asked myself, “what types of work or achievements could I really claim?” It wasn’t soon after that the theology did come – the grace of God.

I will never forget the far-left bathroom stall in that old farmhouse. I never would have imagined nor believed for that matter, what my life would become since that first day in 2017. I ended up completing the Refuge and stayed on as a Coordinator for an additional 12 months. I started a job at Franklin County Public Health where over 4 years I received 2 promotions, eventually becoming a Divisional Supervisor. I met my wife at church and got married in 2020. We have two girls, Sophia and Alessandra. In 2023, I left Public Health and returned to the Refuge as the Columbus Director. I now act as the Residential Director, overseeing all things residentially of both our Columbus and Lancaster locations. I’m currently in seminary school and I am the first alumni to be a part of the Executive Leadership team.

So, what’s different? When I list my accomplishments today, I do so humbly, ending with the statement, “but God.” Why do I end like that? Because of John 15:5, “…apart from me you can do nothing.”

Matthew Demoulin is the Residential Director of the Refuge and a 2018 Refuge Alumnus